Exhaustion

Let’s talk about sleep.

I love sleep. Sleep is my favourite thing. If anyone were to ask, what are you doing this weekend? Sleeping, likely. Going out? Sleep first. Home from work? Nap.

But what about when your kids, who need to be watched at all times, do not sleep? Well, you lose your shit, that’s what.

Although sleep issues are extremely common in conjunction with autism, it was never a huge issue for us (most of the time). Penny slept through the night at like 8 weeks old. Rory falls asleep if he’s near us so he was pretty easy to get to sleep. They’ve slept through the night nearly always. Penny used to have trouble falling asleep in the summers when her routines changed, especially the summer we “took off” before she went to Kindergarten. But generally, they’ve always been fairly good sleepers.

But man, I can’t even with this year of sleep.

The biggest issues started last year. Rory would wake up at 3:15am every morning. I’d let him come into bed with me (Shamus works early mornings so I’m the main parent at night). Rory would either fall asleep once he could cuddle me or he would play on his tablet until he dozed off. Simple. He won’t stay in his room and if I tried to, he would SCREAM and wake Penny.

So, with that, then Penny started waking up too. Penny is a creature of habit. So, she’d start waking up 1, 2, 3 am and NEVER go back to sleep. Awful. When both kids are up, what can one person do? So, whoever woke up first, I would spend most of my time trying to keep them quiet and not wake the other. If two of them woke, it was just chaos. Literally me sobbing on the floor. Not a great look.

(I feel I should note at this point: my kids are not troubled by not sleeping, I am. So, if it sounds like I’m just talking about myself and what a struggle it is for me to keep up on no sleep – I am. They are happy as can be and no worse for wear.)

With the help of my mama and some “sleep training” for Rory, which just entailed not letting him fall asleep on the couch with me, we managed to get a bit settled. There were some early mornings, but if it was after 6am, I was fine.

And then about 3 weeks ago, when Penny started a new medication, she stopped sleeping altogether. Some nights she will fall asleep close to midnight and some nights 3 am. Other nights? She literally does not close her eyes for the entire night. Like, wake up on March 1 and not go to sleep until bedtime on March 2^nd. Not for lack of trying, she just COULD not sleep.

I pride myself on being a fairly patient person with the kids (I mean, my husband is another story). But around 3 – 4am I turn into a whole different person. I joke about my “Batman voice” when the kids won’t get ready for school, but I would compare my 4 am voice and temperament to that of a demon escaping hell. My logical brain turns off because I am. Just. So. Exhausted. Did you know that sleep in an integral part of keeping your mental health in check?

In a “funny now, but wasn’t funny at the time” story, I was getting irritated with Penny last week at about 3am and telling her to go to sleep. Penny responded in a very calm voice, “Mom’s tired”. It was the equivalent of someone telling me to calm down, so I responded by raising my voice and yelling at her to sleep. Penny looked at me and calmly responded, “Mom is VERY tired”.

I yelled so loud that Shamus panicked and told me I should take a break.

I don’t know why when my logical brain is not functioning that I somehow think that yelling at someone to sleep will help? Like, can you imagine having insomnia and someone is yelling in your face, “JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES AND GO TO SLEEEEEEEEEEP”.

I have an appointment with Penny’s pediatrician today so hopefully there will be some solutions available. But anyways, just had to get out the struggle. I’m sure more than just us are going through it. I guess I should be grateful that we had so many years of relatively stress-free nights?

Yeah…that’s not going to happen. Just send caffeine.