Mom Guilt

Motherhood is one of the best gifts I’ve ever been given, but man, does it come with a lot of guilt. I’ve never known panic so great or guilt so pressing as mom guilt during a pandemic.

I’m sure this is a thing that most parents can relate to, not just Autism parents. My random thoughts throughout the day.

Online schooling: “Am I doing enough to keep Penny engaged during her Google meet? Should I try to get her to answer more questions? Am I expecting too much of her? I can’t exactly get her to focus with her brother crying. I probably should do more to entertain Rory during Penny’s class time. How can I entertain him while also trying to keep Penny on the call? I wonder if every mom is yelling by the end of the google meet? Note to self: do not snap at children.”

“…That’s too much to expect of yourself – new note: Do not snap at children until you’re sure you’re muted on Google meet.” (Lesson learned.)

Homework: “We should do this homework. I don’t have time to do the homework. I should work on my patience while trying to do homework. Okay, homework is not going to be complete this week and I can live with that – Penny and I both need a break before we kill each other. Oh my god, can I live with that? The school must think I’m a terrible parent doing the bare minimum. What if she falls behind?”

Spending time with the kids: “Have I done enough to entertain the kids today? How long have they been on their tablets? Penny is screaming because she doesn’t want to go outside – am I a worse parent for forcing her because I know she’ll like it when she’s out or for letting her stay inside by herself? Should I have tried to socialize her more? Do I socialize her too much and now she hates people? Is that her preference or something I did?”

Entertaining Rory: “I don’t feel like going outside with Rory. Am I a bad parent for sending him outside by himself? He looks happy enough. Wait, is he happy because he’s used to me not going outside with him? I should engage with him more. Isn’t free play supposed to be something we have to encourage? How much free play is too much free play? Shouldn’t I want to go out and play with him? I really don’t want to be cold though.”

Getting overwhelmed: “I need a break. Isn’t not going into work every day a break? It doesn’t feel like a break. Is staying home supposed to be fun? I enjoy the kids but I’m tired. They woke up too early. Aren’t I supposed to be used to getting up early at this stage in parenthood? Am I a lazy parent? I think I must be a lazy parent. Can I blame that on my thyroid? I need a nap. Shamus worked overnight though, so he should nap first. The kids are crying for him. Shouldn’t they cry for their moms more? Isn’t that a thing? Mine don’t cry for me much. Is that because I’m not involved enough?”

Me all day every day: “Why am I so sleepy?!”

Spending time as a family: “Does going for drives count as family time? Rory seems to enjoy it, although I’ve already established that we don’t pay enough attention to him anyways. Let’s go for a walk instead of just a drive so we can all interact. Why is everyone crying?! Why have my kids not learned not to run away or to run into people? Is there something I could have done differently to teach them that?”

Messy house: “My house is dirty. I feel bad having Shamus clean up because he’s sleepy. I probably should have done that this morning. Oh wait, I was doing online school, I didn’t have time. I suppose I could have gotten up earlier and cleaned up. Oh yeah, the kids woke up early…so maybe then I should have done it last night? I was tired after everyone went to bed though so I forced myself to stay up and read a book. I should clean up instead of reading – do other mother’s do that? Is it self-care to read or to clean up? What even is self-care anymore?”

Welcome to the mind of this mother. It looks pretty ridiculous written down, but these are the things that go through my mind at every moment of every day. And this is me on anti-anxiety meds. Can you imagine?!

I asked Shamus what he feels guilty about as a parent and he couldn’t think of anything off the top of his head. That’s not to say that dads don’t feel guilty too. I’m actually not sure if this is a mom thing or mostly my anxiety thing. Who knows really. (After proofreading this, Shamus says he feels most guilty for not feeling guilty enough haha!).

I’d love to know how other mama’s are handling lockdown. I’m very lucky in that my kids are actually doing remarkably well. If my mental health was in a better state – we’d be killing it!

Here’s some cute pictures of the kids to tide me over until my next good day.