Double Trouble

Rory wasn’t quite 6 months old when Penny was diagnosed with Autism. One thing I completely obsessed about after she was diagnosed was whether or not he also had Autism. I put him on the wait list for Child Development when he turned a year old even though he didn’t show many signs – which, of course, I was obsessively looking for. While that ended up being for the best once he received his diagnosis at just over 2 years old, I wish I hadn’t spent so much time obsessing over whether or not I was going to have two children on the Autism Spectrum. 

I often get “I don’t know how you do it with two” and I sometimes see parents obsessing (like I was) about their other child(ren). I actually think there are several pros to having two children on the spectrum. 

1. One doesn’t get more attention than the other. When Penny was doing ABA and having all of these professionals coming in, we usually tried to get Rory out of the room. That meant he spent less time with us, and we spent more time focused on Penny. Now that they’re both seeing a lot of professionals, he gets his time to shine too (and he loves nearly every minute of it).
2. I’m much calmer my second time around. Like a lot of older children, poor Penny took the brunt of my anxiety – sorry kid! I wanted her to avail of all the things and we barely took a break. I’m not like that with Rory, and we actually stopped ABA Therapy early (we still do parent-implemented) and opted to put him in daycare instead. I would have never considered that with Penny.
3. You get extra support and ideas. Not many of the kids’ professionals are the same. They have had different Speech Therapists, Occupational Therapists, ABA Therapists, and Senior Therapists (although they have the same one now). The interesting thing about a lot of therapies with Autism, because the spectrum is so varied, is that you can sort of wade through ideas and approaches of what will work with your kid. If I learn something that could work for Penny, it might also work for Rory and vice versa. So if we have 2, 3, or 4 different therapists with different views and approaches, we get lots of ideas to help the kiddos! Also, you get pretty familiar with a lot of staff, which is cool. We feel like celebrities half the time when we walk in somewhere and see about 7 people we know.
4. I already (sort of) know what I need to do. I would never pretend to know it all, but I feel comfortable enough with the language and processes to have a grasp of what is happening. That also means I have my own ideas and I feel like I can contribute instead of just trying to figure out WTF is happening and WTF everyone is saying. This helps a lot with advocating for the kids because I feel more comfortable speaking my mind.
5. I wasn’t as emotional after the second diagnosis. I’ve heard some people say that the second diagnosis was harder for them, but for me it totally wasn’t. Me and Shamus just went for a drive and tried to figure out the logistics of more therapy and work and money. That is not at ALL the reaction I had after Penny’s diagnosis. I actually forgot to tell a few people about Rory’s. Whoops!
6. No one feels like they’re missing out on activities (yet). This was something I was worried was going to be an issue later in life when Rory was really small. Both of my kids struggle going some places because of sensory issues, so if we stay home I usually don’t feel too guilty about it.

I like to paint a clear picture, so I’m not saying everything is excellent all of the time, so I’ll add in the hardest parts for me of having two kids on the spectrum (and I’m sure it varies from person to person).

1. Telling people I have two kids on the spectrum. Half the time it feels like I’m comforting strangers about my life and my incredible children, which is…strange. Most people’s initial reactions are knee-jerk and, depending on my mood, it can make me sore.
2. Balancing appointments. I only have so many hours in a day and so much leave from work, so it’s a bit of a balancing act when there’s a lot going on (usually September/October or February/March, I find.) I do share the load with Shamus – he does most of Rory’s appointments, I do most of Penny’s. But, as mom’s usually do, I get the brunt of the organizing, mental load, and phone calls – whereas Shamus is often just able to show up where I need him to. Bright side: he does show up where I need him to. (I read this out to him – he agrees).
3. Sometimes it feels like it’s one crisis after another with just a little bit of downtime in between. But, honestly, I’m pretty sure that’s just parenting in general – especially with more than one kid. When it gets to be too much I have the committee to help me (my mom and my sister). We always come up with a plan of action.

I think it’s all what you’re used to too. Our family has its own traditions and activities, and while it sometimes can look different from what I expected or different from a “typical”  family, we couldn’t have asked for better. I mean…these faces. They are the happiest children I know!