Hard Days

This past couple of weeks have been really rough for me emotionally. I’m stressed out and it feels like I have more on my plate than usual. I wrote a blog post about it 3 days ago and it made me feel better, but I didn’t post it. I didn’t want to put that head space on anyone. But, I realized today that if I continually try to post only the positives then I am lending myself to the problem. The reality is that some days are awesome and other days suck.

So, here is my unedited blog post from February 26th. When I originally read it out to Shamus he said, “Woah. You can definitely tell you’re having a bad day…”

***

Everything feels hard right now. 

This time of year is awful. Like clockwork, February and March are the most stressed out I’ll ever be.

It’s not my kids. My kids are actually a fucking delight. It’s everything else.

On top of the shitty weather, we have a lot of our meetings and appointments at this time of year. This year we also have to reapply for some financial things and supports for the coming year, and I’m nervous about that. I’m currently stressing about what to do with Penny this summer for break, because she can’t even go to Easter camp of our choice (as there’s no inclusion) so trying to figure out summer camp, and funding for respite and all that comes with that is a pain in my ass. It takes forever, so I need to work on it now.

I’m frustrated at all the hurdles we need to overcome just to try and give our kids the supports they need and also a relatively enjoyable childhood.

I’m frustrated that discrimination is alive and well, especially when looking for childcare (shout out to Rory’s daycare for being the best though!). I could go on all day about the struggles we have had to find decent childcare, and how we still struggle for Penny. I want to strangle anyone who says finding affordable childcare is hard when I would likely literally sell my house at this point to pay to even get my oldest into care if I could GET HER SOME. (A rant I could go on forever about). Changes need to be made and I’m too tired to fight it right now.

I’m stressed out that report cards are coming out soon and I know without a doubt that the smartest person I’ve ever met will get mostly 1’s or not graded at all because she can’t “demonstrate” her knowledge. That’s discrimination about whether or not you can speak, in my opinion. And discrimination about how someone processes their thoughts. Changes need to be made there too, and I’m too tired for that fight as well.

I’m annoyed that Rory needs to be potty trained just as Penny is regressing in some of her toileting, which she mastered 3 years ago, because #autism.

I’m even annoyed that the swimming lessons Penny asks for daily are cancelled because of mechanical issues at the pool, and that’s literally the fault of no one.

I’m annoyed that I still have to appear as a productive, working parent when all I want to do is curl into a ball while I complete all this fucking paperwork and print all of this information and organize our appointments and meetings and life. Except its the end of the fiscal year and I’m running out of annual leave just when all the appointments and paperwork starts full-force again so I hold onto it like my life depends on it.

Some days are the best, and I can be grateful for everything we have and the support that is available to us.

And some days, I want to run into the office of everyone who makes our life harder and shake them until they understand that I am not equipped to deal with this shit, and no parent should be. We are a parent first and always.

You shouldn’t have to fight to raise your kids in an inclusive environment. It should just be. Next week I might see the good and the positive – it’s usually my natural state – but this week, everything just sucks.