Grateful

I am feeling really happy this evening. It’s probably because my shingles are healing, so I’ve been productive for the first time this week. My happiness level and my productiveness level tend to have a direct correlation.

I’m thinking about how much we’ve grown as a family in the past few years. Part of this is managing my anxiety, part of this is just the kids growing older, but I’m really enjoying the age the kids are right now (Penny is 6 and Rory is 4).

At this very moment, Penny is sitting next to me playing with my phone. Every few minutes she leans over and requests I read something off the screen. Rory is playing around the house somewhere – sometimes in front of me, sometimes upstairs or downstairs (our house is a side-split so we have like, 4 floors), but he’s around. Shamus went to a hockey game so me and the kids are just chilling at home. 

Two years ago (even last year) as soon as Shamus left me alone with the kids I would panic. I couldn’t keep my eyes on both of them at once. Penny would be climbing something she shouldn’t, Rory would be screaming, I would be counting down to bedtime and sometimes calling Shamus to come home if he could. This was not ideal considering he worked evenings for a few years – there were a lot of tears. I remember a few nights of just driving around for hours with the kids so I didn’t have to be in the house alone with them.

Penny and I just laughed out loud together because she sneezed out the largest booger of all time. I never thought the day would come when we’d be sharing a moment together (even if it was disgustingly hilarious). The fact that she’s even sitting with me, not locked away in a room by herself, is progress. I didn’t tell her to come down, she just wants to hang out with me. That only started happening in the last couple of months.

Rory yelled out “mommy!” at me earlier to scold me for eating one of his marshmallows – he didn’t scream and throw a fit, which was amazing. (He did throw a fit earlier when I wouldn’t let him brush his teeth for the 40th time today, but you win some you lose some). Even just the fact that he said “mommy”, which he didn’t say last year, is so cool. I can trust him to walk up and down the stairs now and I can let him out of my sight without the fear of injury or choking (he mouths EVERYTHING). There was a time when he literally just screamed all of the time (or it felt like it). If he wasn’t laughing, he was screaming. He’s still like it from time to time, but this new found communication of his is really helping his mood swings!

When I have these moments of random reflection and I remember all of their younger days, I honestly am not sure how we got through it. To anyone else this just seems like a lazy night at home but to me it’s crazy how far the kids have come and how far I’ve come, honestly (I won’t speak on behalf of Shamus). Poor ol’ Shamus still asks me 7000 times if it’s okay if he goes out and what I need him to do before he leaves. I think I’ve traumatised him.

I’ve said this before when I get into one of these random happy, reflective moods, but it never stays as hard as your hardest day. I try to remember that on the bad days, because we do have them – they’re just not as plentiful anymore (knock on wood).  You really learn to appreciate the ease of just sitting peacefully with your kids on a random Saturday night when you have some not great memories to compare it to.

I wanted to capture this moment in time because sometimes feeling grateful is fleeting. Also, the kids let me sit and write this whole thing and I haven’t had to get up once. They’re the best.