Expectations

“Comparison is the thief of joy” is a very true phrase but I also think that expectations are a thief of joy too. 

Penny had her Christmas Concert at school on Wednesday. I went to both the matinee and the evening performance. When I walked into the matinee I was expecting her to say her line clearly (we had been practicing so much!) and I expected her to do the actions with the songs, even if she didn’t sing them – because she had been doing the actions with her Wiggles songs lately, so clearly she was capable.

Penny walked in and smiled at us in the audience. She walked directly on stage with all of her classmates. Her line was the second one said but she struggled with it. It took her 36 seconds to get it out. I was sad for her because I knew she could do it, and she was so proud every time she got it right at home.

Then she sat/stood with her classmates, but didn’t really participate. She didn’t sing. She didn’t do actions. She did wrap her arm around her friend to her right and swayed to one song. But besides that, she just stayed there.

Because I had expected her to do more, I was disappointed. Not in her but in the situation. I know that having expectations is a rookie move, not just in Autism parenting (where it is commonly said), but also in life. I still catch myself doing it though.

So, I regrouped and went back to the evening performance with zero expectations – she performed the same way – and here are my positive reflections from beginning to end.

1. She recognized us in the crowd! She has always been someone who is in her own world and doesn’t often pay attention to her surroundings. She saw us and didn’t cry that we were somewhere we shouldn’t be. She didn’t need someone to consistently point to us before she saw us – she found us herself, which is a huge milestone in itself and it’s something she didn’t do at her Kindergarten concert in June, even.
2. She took 36 seconds to get her 6 word line out. That is a helluvalot of perseverance without getting frustrated. I can’t say I would be able to do the same.
3. She actually did say her line eventually. That is 6 words right in a row that she memorized. There was a time I never thought she would ever speak, let alone say an entire sentence.
4. She spoke in front of a crowd without panicking. Again, I can’t say I could do the same.
5. Her classmates and teachers show so much kindness and patience with her and it’s so sweet to see. Seeing her little friend try to hold her hand and encourage her to participate made my heart burst. I’ve rewatched the video of her on stage at both performances a hundred times, and no one in the crowd did anything but wait patiently for her to finish.
6. She tolerated the whole concert. She did leave before her class did at the evening performance, but all the songs were finished. Her Student Assistant (who was with her) told me that Penny had asked to go for a walk (her version of a break) within the first 2 songs. She waited for 45ish minutes before she went for one. Impressive.
7. She was able to recognize when she was getting upset and instead of melting down, she used some calming techniques (asking for a hug and/or squeeze, asking for a break). She would also look for me in the crowd and when she found me it seemed like it calmed her quickly #happycryingmommy.  Self-regulation is a huge skill that is very hard to teach and it is such an accomplishment. Even adults struggle with self-regulation at times *shamefully raises hand*.

So, she didn’t do everything I expected her to do, but she had some absolutely amazing accomplishments.

When we got home she remembered that I said “first concert/then ice cream” and she went directly to the freezer to get her ice cream. She then said her line perfectly and cracked up laughing at the video of herself from her concert. I don’t think I should have been sad on her behalf at all – she’s her own biggest fan.