Positive Changes

It sometimes feels like I’m complaining about my kids when I talk about them in this way, so in an effort to alleviate my mom guilt, I’m going to write about all the positive things that having two autistic kiddos has done for me.

1. Teaching me new things.
Penny is obsessed with language -letters, spelling, and different languages. Do you know what shark in Russian is? I do. Did you ever know how to spell Kookaburra before now? Ever heard of Kofta? It’s a Mediterranean meat dish that Penny sings about in her alphabet food song – I struggle to pronounce it. She still thinks that as her mother I should know everything, so thank Jesus for Google, because she’s already far smarter than me.

2. Making me more outspoken.
I’m naturally a very shy and quiet person. I’m still awkward in large groups, but I’ve been forced into these situations I would have otherwise run from – like for example, an ISSP meeting with over 10 other adults (some I’ve never met), where I have to speak on the best interests of the kids. We meet new people all the time who I have to cultivate relationships with to make the kids’ lives easier. If something is not working, it’s up to me as their parent to advocate for them. So, all of these situations I would normally never put myself in on purpose, and sometimes now I’m requesting the meetings. Very surreal for me at times.

3. Watching them learn.
A neurotypical child might randomly one day look you in the eye, show you a toy and say “dolly” and then proceed to feed the doll and give it a cuddle. My kids don’t learn like that. We’d probably work on eye contact first, then labelling objects with words, then joint interest/show and share, then do therapy to work up to pretend play. Maybe a few extra steps in between. It always looks to me like they learn in layers – where to a lot of kids it all comes naturally at once. So if/when my kids eventually look me in the eye, show me the “dolly”, and play with it, I cry with excitement and relief. I find it fascinating! And it’s amazing to me when something finally “clicks” for them. Side note: My neurotypical neice and nephew who are in the same age range as my kids, accidentally get a lot of “Good eye contact!”, “Great sharing!” “Good job with your words!” from their now crazy aunt.

4. Making me give less of a shit what people think.
I’m working on this, but slowly my “give a shit about other people think” is starting to dwindle. I always say it started when Penny was having a meltdown in the Fluvarium and I was singing to her in the middle of the floor while about 10 billion (may be a slight exaggeration) classes of elementary school kids, teachers, and their parents walked past. Meltdowns in public? They’re rare these days, but most of the time I don’t notice who’s around. We need to find a quiet space in public so we all sit on the floor in a public area? No problem! We just stay away from the flow of traffic.

5. Taking self-care seriously.
I get completely overwhelmed at times with the “autism life”. Being a parent in itself is stressful, and then sometimes the meetings and appointments get too much for me, or my kids have a new behaviour that is making me crazy. I got overwhelmed by just being “mom” or “the mom with two kids with autism” so I worked on finding things I love to do and I do them. It turns out that I love dancing with my besties, I love seeing live music, I love cross stitching, I still love reading so I picked that up again, I love writing (I’m writing two novels and this blog!), I love playing terrible guitar and singing. Shamus jokes that I should probably pick one hobby. It’s not that I don’t absolutely overwhelming love my kids and being a mom and wife, but I want and need to be my own person too.

6. Connecting me with new people.
I’ve met so many incredible people since we started our journey. I literally have a double sided sheet of just names of professionals (I have a bad memory for names haha)! I’ve connected with so many other parents  who are just lovely human beings. I feel like a have a whole community of people surrounding me. I’ve always had an incredible support system, but I’m really starting to appreciate it more now.

7. Helping me with problem solving skills.
My kids come up with creative ways to be little shits. We’re able to come up with solutions to almost every problem. Well, usually with either the suggestions of other autism parents or the help of “the committee” (that’s my mom and sister. We gave ourselves a nickname for when we get together to brainstorm, like ya would haha!). I can look at almost any situation and pick out the dangers to my kids immediately and come up with a solution. This does wonders for my anxiety, of course. We’re also able to come up with creative ways to teach things when the standard way isn’t working.

8. Appreciating the little things.
Most people who know me know I love to celebrate the little wins. There is so much joy for me in celebrating the little every day wins because to us they often mean so much more. Like, eating new foods when I feared they never would – that means we can eat while we’re out now, even when there’s no McDonald’s around! And Rory starting swimming lessons with very little coaxing – Penny’s first swimming lesson went so poorly I came home and cried excessively (I actually cry with happiness almost every time they happily get into the pool now. I cry a lot, basically).

I’m sure I could think of more, but it’s Sunday and we’re going to go on an adventure soon. Maybe we’ll even get some chips from a chip truck, because we can do that now!