The Return to Real Life

I’ve been saying since the world shut down in March that I didn’t know how I would ever adjust back to real life. As everything starts reopening and I have to prepare myself and the kids to start leaving the house again, I can sleep soundly knowing that I know myself really, really well. The world is opening and I’m not having a great time with it. Everything that was stressing me out 3 months ago has unpaused.

Now, I know I speak from a place of privilege given that myself and my family have not had to deal with sickness or the general unrest of the world – I know that. But this week has been surely…something.

Putting my kids in childcare always has a little step of complication. For Rory, his daycare has been amazing, however, we can’t afford his full daycare bill so we apply for subsidy to cover a part of the cost. He is also covered under the inclusion program so the Government pays an extra worker to be in the room with him. I live in fear constantly that subsidy won’t get approved (still waiting) or inclusion will stop (or is not) getting paid. I hate relying on Government programs but such is life when your kids need additional support.

For Penny, I managed to get her into 8 full weeks of summer camp (yay!) But they’re not set up for inclusion this year (which would apparently only be for 2 weeks even if it was set up) so I’m trying to go through the process of getting approved through SCWA to get her a respite worker. If it is approved, I will have to hire a worker to attend camp with her.  Camp starts on July 6th, so as you can imagine, we’re a bit pressed for time especially given I’ll likely have to advertise for the job + interview + hire + we’re also in a pandemic so praying we find someone. If we don’t get it sorted, I don’t have any sustainable back-up plans, so that makes me lose sleep. 

And oh yes, I work every other day (likely full-time in level 2) and am generally with my kids all day when I’m not working because of Shamus’ work schedule.

I know it may come off as ungrateful because at least these programs exist, but in the past week I have filled out 21 pages of paperwork and printed off over 70 supporting documents. Just. For. My. Kids. To. Leave. The. House. Without. Me. That has nothing to do with everyday stresses and life in general. All this paperwork is also focused pretty entirely on all of the things the kids are not doing and all of the income we do not have. It’s exhausting, time consuming, depressing, stressful, and it’s really hard not to resent my husband when the majority of the stresses land on me and I’m still expected to function as a human being. (He just asked me an opinion on summer tires and I jumped down his throat because I literally cannot handle one more decision right now).

Anyways, I’m trying to focus on the positives and take it a day of the time. But this is supposed to be a snapshot into the life of an Autism mom, so not all days and weeks are sunshine and rainbows – sometimes it’s wanting to find the nearest abyss to scream into because I do not feel qualified or mentally stable enough to handle it.

I know it will all work out. It may not work out ideally, but I’ll sort it. We always do. It reminds me of a song by John Prine, “it’s a half an inch of water and you think you’re going to drown” – I always remind myself of that when life feels overwhelming. It’s just half an inch of water.

Given that everything feels big this week, I will leave you with some small moments that have made me happy in the past few days because I’m nothing if not skilled at trying to focus on the positives.

• Rory keeps saying, “back of the car!” (but it’s like one word “bacadacar!”) to indicate he wants to go for a drive and it’s the cutest thing ever. His words are expanding so much but it’s like he speaks in riddles (“good morning” = lay on mom and dad’s bed; “summer time!” = blow some bubbles etc)
• Penny is recently obsessed with honey dip donuts (also my favourite) from Tim Horton’s. I’m so happy she loves something new and that we have a new point of connection, no matter how small.
• Rory has started putting his arm around my back and lightly rubbing my side, which is what I always do to him when we snuggle. It’s the sweetest. 
• Penny has asked to dress like a “ballerina” for the past two days (she’s only putting on a dress not an actual ballerina outfit). Today she copied my ballerina moves – I assure you that she makes a much better ballerina than I do.

(Thanks to my sister in law for the cup. It feels incredibly accurate lately)